Joke of the day!

[Stuccoman]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past
a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
door
reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
door.... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through
the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back
in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER

[Overbuilders]

A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think
the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition

2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this"
The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up
with the $500.00

[James Eggert]

Anyone know who killed more Indians than John Wayne???






















Union Carbide

[Stuccoman]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the
same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow
turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea"

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

[tod evans]

her`s an old one that i like..

why did god make woman 30% smarter than cows?






so when you play with their boobs they don`t crap on the floor.

[Bluewoodrock]

How do you stop a plumber from drowning?



Take your foot of his neck.



What are electricians good for?



Making fun of until the plumbers get back from lunch.

[SteveC]

Know the difference between old age and middle age?
Depends
---------------------------------------------------
Married ? Unhappy ? Cheer up


It's not forever, it's only "til death"

[davestrim]

What do soybeans and vibrators have in common? They're both meat substitutes..

[Overbuilders]

A recent survey revealed that the average American walks 900 miles per year.

Another survey revealed that the average American consumes 20 gallons of beer per year.

Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon.

[J&MFloorCare]

An 80 year old lady is speeding down the highway and gets pulled over...
The Officer asks for her License, Insurance, and registration to which she replied "I lost my license 10 years ago for excessive D.U.I.s, Insurance I am not sure about because I Stole this car after I killed the owner and cut her up. She is in the trunk if you want to see." The officer has her get out and calls for back-up.
The old lady is with the Detective, and He says " My officer tells me that you have no license" The lady pulls it out and hands it to him saying "I don't Know why he would say that.?." The detective runs the license, it comes back fine. The detective says "My officer tells me that you stole this car." The lady pulls out her registration saying "That is odd, I have the registration here."
The detective runs it, it comes back fine. The detective says " I really hate to bring this up now, but my officer said that you have a body in the trunk." The old lady says" Oh my" and hands the detective the keys. They open the trunk and find nothing. The old lady looks at the detective and says " I bet that Liar told you that I was speeding too."

[Overbuilders]

Easter has been cancelled!

[whiskytangofoxtrot]

an oldie but a goodie: Why DOES the Easter bunny hide his eggs?

(and now, his toupee also it seems. Thanks Rick for sending my kids to therapy)






He doesn't want anybody to know he's been screwing a chicken!

[Overbuilders]

Math 1950-2006


Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?


Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


2. Teaching Math In 1960


A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?
-

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )


6. Teaching Math In 2006

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo
de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

[butcher]

Hahahaha !

[gburnet]

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"