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  1. #16
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Kansas the land of oz!
    Posts
    757

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
    out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    10 MILES

    He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second
    thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    5 MILES

    Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past
    a third sign saying:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
    HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
    NEXT RIGHT

    His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
    side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the
    door
    reading:

    SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

    He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
    long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

    He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
    possibly doing business...."

    "Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
    passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
    and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

    He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the
    door.... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through
    the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

    He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the
    door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back
    in the parking lot facing another sign:

    GO IN PEACE.
    YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT,
    YOU SINNER

  2. #17
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Upstream
    Posts
    10,019

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
    Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
    Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla
    was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
    Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
    redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

    Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed
    ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

    The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was
    approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla
    for $500.00?

    Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think
    the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would
    accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

    1. "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips."
    The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition

    2. "Second", he said, "You can't never tell no one about this"
    The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

    3. "Third", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised
    Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

    4. And last, Bobby Lee said "I'll need another week to come up
    with the $500.00
    Richie Poor

    See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, value engineer your unit prices.

  3. #18
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Branford, CT 06405
    Posts
    3,673

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Anyone know who killed more Indians than John Wayne???






















    Union Carbide
    Take Care

    Jim

  4. #19
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Kansas the land of oz!
    Posts
    757

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
    He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

    "You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
    strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

    The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

    "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

    "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
    me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the
    same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow
    turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop.
    Why do you suppose that is?"

    The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
    idea"

    "So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
    discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

  5. #20
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    ozarks
    Posts
    754

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    her`s an old one that i like..

    why did god make woman 30% smarter than cows?






    so when you play with their boobs they don`t crap on the floor.

  6. #21
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Portland Maine
    Posts
    434

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    How do you stop a plumber from drowning?



    Take your foot of his neck.



    What are electricians good for?



    Making fun of until the plumbers get back from lunch.

  7. #22
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Clifton, NJ
    Posts
    2,385

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Know the difference between old age and middle age?
    Depends
    ---------------------------------------------------
    Married ? Unhappy ? Cheer up


    It's not forever, it's only "til death"
    SteveC
    The improbable takes time, the impossible takes a little longer.

  8. #23
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Renton, WA
    Posts
    359

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    What do soybeans and vibrators have in common? They're both meat substitutes..

  9. #24
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Upstream
    Posts
    10,019

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    A recent survey revealed that the average American walks 900 miles per year.

    Another survey revealed that the average American consumes 20 gallons of beer per year.

    Conclusion: The average American gets 45 miles per gallon.
    Richie Poor

    See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, value engineer your unit prices.

  10. #25
    Join Date
    Mar 2007
    Location
    I Live in Tulsa, Oklahoma
    Posts
    19

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    An 80 year old lady is speeding down the highway and gets pulled over...
    The Officer asks for her License, Insurance, and registration to which she replied "I lost my license 10 years ago for excessive D.U.I.s, Insurance I am not sure about because I Stole this car after I killed the owner and cut her up. She is in the trunk if you want to see." The officer has her get out and calls for back-up.
    The old lady is with the Detective, and He says " My officer tells me that you have no license" The lady pulls it out and hands it to him saying "I don't Know why he would say that.?." The detective runs the license, it comes back fine. The detective says "My officer tells me that you stole this car." The lady pulls out her registration saying "That is odd, I have the registration here."
    The detective runs it, it comes back fine. The detective says " I really hate to bring this up now, but my officer said that you have a body in the trunk." The old lady says" Oh my" and hands the detective the keys. They open the trunk and find nothing. The old lady looks at the detective and says " I bet that Liar told you that I was speeding too."
    Josh
    We will either find a way- or make one.
    Hannibal

  11. #26
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Upstream
    Posts
    10,019

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Easter has been cancelled!
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Richie Poor

    See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, value engineer your unit prices.

  12. #27
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Memphis, Tennessee
    Posts
    2,763

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    an oldie but a goodie: Why DOES the Easter bunny hide his eggs?

    (and now, his toupee also it seems. Thanks Rick for sending my kids to therapy)






    He doesn't want anybody to know he's been screwing a chicken!
    "I'll bend over backwards to help anybody, but I ain't bending over forwards for nobody"

    Paul

  13. #28
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Upstream
    Posts
    10,019

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Math 1950-2006


    Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?


    Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:



    1. Teaching Math In 1950

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
    4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


    2. Teaching Math In 1960


    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
    4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


    3. Teaching Math In 1970

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
    $80. Did he make a profit?
    -

    4. Teaching Math In 1980

    A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
    $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.


    5. Teaching Math In 1990

    A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
    inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
    preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
    What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
    participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels
    feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )


    6. Teaching Math In 2006

    Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo
    de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
    Richie Poor

    See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil, value engineer your unit prices.

  14. #29
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    Portland, ME
    Posts
    970

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Hahahaha !
    Geoff

  15. #30
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Location
    Western suburbs of Chicago
    Posts
    5,554

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

    Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

    Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

    A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

    An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

    Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"
    Greg

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