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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    NYC-THE BRONX
    Posts
    99

    Default Joke of the day!

    Here's one for those going to the "Big Pig Jig" Georgia State BBQ cook-off this weekend in Vienna, GA...


    The Georgia Chili Contest
    If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!

    **Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Georgia, you know how true this is. They actually have a statewide Cook-off about this time of year. It takes up a major portion of a hundred acre field in Vienna (pronounced VY-enn-uh). The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Georgia from somewhere up in Yankee land:

    Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Georgians) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have all the free beer I wanted during the tasting, so I accepted".

    Here are the scorecards from the event:

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
    Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
    Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
    Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
    Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
    Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
    Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a plutonium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
    Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
    Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b*tch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
    Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
    Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 6 Miss Su's Very Vegetarian Variety
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
    Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 7 Stewart's Screaming Sensation Chili
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance
    on canned peppers.
    Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
    Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like **** to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
    Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili...
    Juan

    “Achievement Lies Within The Reach Of Those Who Reach Beyond Themselves”

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Miles City, Montana
    Posts
    244

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    You're right! You can't read this w/out LOL and tears.
    I can relate to the part about the snow cone. I was sure glad the toilet actually flushed when I finished using it at the truckstop today. I was crying then too. It just wasn't tears of laughter.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Memphis, Tennessee
    Posts
    2,763

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    I too have heard the sound of porcelain screaming.
    "I'll bend over backwards to help anybody, but I ain't bending over forwards for nobody"

    Paul

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Friday Harbor, San Juan Island, Washington
    Posts
    13,029

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    My brother sent me this... worth a look if you can stand to download video:

    http://www.glumbert.com/media/irack

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Racine, WI
    Posts
    2,127

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Thanks Dave. That was pretty good.
    Your guy lost. Get over it.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Central Wyoming
    Posts
    230

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Boy you can sure see the liberal far left ideology in that clip.
    Build it Energy Efficient

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Mar 2005
    Location
    Kansas the land of oz!
    Posts
    757

    Default Re: Joke of the day!


  8. #8
    Join Date
    Jun 2005
    Location
    Perth, Australia
    Posts
    1,151

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Q: Did you hear they've found 2 new uses for sheep?

    A: Wool and meat.



    Thank you, thank you very much. No, please, you're too kind.
    “If the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy." - Mr. Red Green

  9. #9
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    Boston
    Posts
    113

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Quote Originally Posted by David Meiland View Post
    My brother sent me this... worth a look if you can stand to download video:

    http://www.glumbert.com/media/irack
    Dave
    very funny someone has a great sense of whats funny and in the news

  10. #10
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Oak Park, Illinois
    Posts
    463

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

    She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

    He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

    She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

    "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

    The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

    The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

    "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

    The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"

    "I remember that too" she replied softly.

    He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today."


    RJC
    Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with quality.

  11. #11
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Va.
    Posts
    3,675

    Default Re: Joke of the day!


  12. #12
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Oak Park, Illinois
    Posts
    463

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    WAL-MART APPLICATION

    This is an actual job application that a 75 year old
    Senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
    They hired him because he was so funny.....

    NAME: George Martin

    SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)


    DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available.
    If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place?

    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance
    Package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION: Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
    TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
    Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy
    Dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
    Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE ....7 miles

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
    Oh yes, absolutely.


    ***Old People Rock***


    RJC
    Every job is a self-portrait of the person who did it. Autograph your work with quality.

  13. #13
    Join Date
    Feb 2007
    Location
    Philadelphia, Pa.
    Posts
    1,510

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    Quote Originally Posted by Guango88 View Post
    If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you!
    That is too funny!
    -Dennis

    Can someone PLEASE invent a sarcasm font!

  14. #14
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Friday Harbor, San Juan Island, Washington
    Posts
    13,029

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    From the weekly humor email:

    A gas station in Kentucky was trying to increase its sales, so the
    owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

    Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his
    free sex.

    The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
    correctly, he would get his free sex.

    The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The
    number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

    A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a
    fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

    The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the
    correct number.

    The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it
    was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

    As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that
    game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

    Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged -----my wife won
    twice last week."

    *****************
    An attractive young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest
    beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
    "Of course. What may I do for you?"
    "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
    birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
    they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
    for me? Under your robe perhaps?"
    "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
    "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
    When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
    The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
    "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
    The official thought this answer strange, and asked, "And what do you have
    to declare from your waist to the floor?"
    "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is,
    to date, unused."
    Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

    **************

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
    much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
    have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
    their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

    Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't
    feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
    hear...

    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
    me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
    who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
    her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
    unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
    several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
    to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
    compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
    outfit.'

    We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
    diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
    thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
    testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
    know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
    was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

    Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
    all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
    feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
    'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
    You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
    to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
    'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy
    you?'

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

  15. #15
    Join Date
    Feb 2006
    Location
    Memphis, Tennessee
    Posts
    2,763

    Default Re: Joke of the day!

    What do you do when there is an Electrician staggering around in your back yard?






    First, stop giggling.

    Second, shoot him again.
    "I'll bend over backwards to help anybody, but I ain't bending over forwards for nobody"

    Paul

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